


fine then. leave. i need you anyways.

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Kind of angsty, M/M, i cannot spell for shit, i've been hiding out in my bat cave trying to write this piece of shit and it still sucks, idk - Freeform, just a whole bunch of liam thoughts, maybe? - Freeform, therapeutic writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-10
Updated: 2013-03-10
Packaged: 2017-12-04 20:22:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/714697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>so it's like this. liam has all these feelings and he's on autopilot half the time and zayn's always there but he isn't at the same time and liam has a lot of feelings about a lot of things but half of them begin wih a z and he thinks that maybe it's time for them both to realize that maybe there's more there. </p><p>~ </p><p>or basically lots of liam thoughts, kind of angsty idk, zayn and perrie are the stupid couple that gets in the way</p>
            </blockquote>





	fine then. leave. i need you anyways.

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own these fuckers and if you send this story to them I'll die
> 
> i'm pretty sure i wrote a severely depressed liam but i don't acknowledge it, anyways i wrote this in basically an hour working purely on brain power and autocorrect. i don't even really know what this piece of shit is and i hate self loathing while posting something but this just... ughh idk, it's missing something so yeah

_It is an odd sort of fortune to have lived an adventurous life._

Liam thinks that maybe pulling against an imaginary current is somehow what his life has become. It’s unbelievable how much can change in two short years full of singing and dancing and basically being someone else’s pleasure. Liam’s never been much for dreaming because then when he wakes up it’s to a nightmare. He thinks that running on autopilot is something he used to do when he was in school and kids used to tease him for his haircut and his introverted ways.

He never imagined himself to be doing it now when he’s impossibly famous and in this boy band with three brothers and for Christ sakes… Zayn.

He’s indecisive whether Zayn is in the middle between take and give or want and need. Because well Zayn’s different and Liam feels like he wants to hold Zayn and protect him and mend him because Zayn has all these edges that don’t seem to fit right under the debauchery of screaming girls and boys, paparazzi who just demand to understand Zayn by shoving cameras in his face and not giving him a chance to break out under the surface and breathe and… live. However in this selfish way he doesn’t want anyone else fixing or mending Zayn, he doesn’t like the idea of some pretty girl with a Geordie accent and a melodic singing voice to make _his_ Zayn, _her_ Zayn.

So Liam doesn’t think about it.

_So maybe I wanted to give you something more than a catalog of non-definitive acts._

Currently, Liam’s in his dressing room before a concert in Liverpool while Lou is doing his hair and Caroline is trying to find the red blazer that she swore she ordered. She’s going crazy and Liam knows it isn’t funny but Caroline’s a generally funny person and he’s trying his hardest not to laugh.

Zayn comes in wearing his blazer and jeans which make him look absolutely dapper and he grins at Liam, his smile is soft and his edges are frayed like his bones are creaking under the weight of being Zayn Malik. _Baby, lemme take that weight off._

“You look smashing.” He tells Liam with a posh British accent and Liam laughs and Lou hits him,

“Shut it baldy, I’m trying to do something with this hair.” She says good naturedly and Liam pouts up at her, “Oh, don’t give me that look.”

“Mate you hear the crowd out there?” Zayn questions and Liam does here it and his heart has shut down and his stomach has been inhabited by cocoons and he’s well… he’s shaking and there he goes on autopilot again.

“I hear it.” He says and then Niall enters followed by very sheepish looking Harry and Louis.

“Did you guys fuck in the bathroom?” Zayn questions,

“Found it!” Caroline screams and she’s pulling Liam away from Lou and she’s shoving the blazer at him. Louis whistles lowly and circles Liam like Liam’s prey and Louis is the predator,

“Wow Liam very hot!” He says and Harry’s immediately by Louis’ side,

“But I’m hotter right?” Harry questions and Louis laughs,

“Of course baby.”

“Watch out Liam, you might get eaten by Louis’ big bad boyfriend.” Niall mutters flipping through his phone on Twitter. Liam thinks it’s quite funny how Niall’s tweets before a concert sound like a poorly hidden sexual innuendo or sometimes autocorrect decides to be a dick.  

“Guys time to go.” The tour manager, Sofia says when she peeks her head into the room making sure the boys are decent. Niall puts his phone down and he closes his eyes and says something under his breath, pre show ritual that Liam knows he always says. The boys all assemble together though and they take each other’s hand and they close their eyes. They don’t pray they don’t live on poorly assessed wishes to the big man they just hope.

Liam likes the feeling of Zayn’s hand in his, feeling the lines on the palms of his hand like some kind of fortune teller. Liam always hopes for Zayn and hopes for happiness, and sometimes just sometimes he wishes he could live on prayer and be blissfully ignorant to the world of demons around him.

They finally pull away and then they all file out into the stage where they are met with a swarm of screams, it swells and it thumps and it makes Liam shut down because all he can think about is screwing up. He turns and finds Zayn smiling at him and he’s nodding like he believes in Liam and that has his heart doing Gabby Douglas flips and running a mile a minute like it was Usain Bolt or something.

So maybe if Zayn can believe in him he’ll find ways to believe in himself.

_There is this feeling I get when I am with you._

Liam thinks collapsing on stage isn’t part of his life plans. He thinks back to when he was 10 years old and his teacher had told them all to write down what their plans ten years from now would be, she said do something silly or outrageous. Something that you don’t think you could ever do.

Liam always hated that teacher.

All Liam remembers before he goes down is lights… so much lights and amongst the lights and the weird swooping feeling in his stomach there was Zayn and Liam thinks maybe he could be his poorly rehearsed prayer amongst all the vexes and curses.

His world should fade to black but it fades into this damp wetness and his mind seems to muddle together and crash like the waves on the beach. It doesn’t make any sense that he’s swimming in his own mind and he’s pulling against the current trying to find a way out but he can’t.

So Liam wakes up and it’s not like the movies because god the movies don’t tell you how much it hurts to blink or breathe or move. He hears some shuffling next to him and he half expects to see Zayn and… he does. Zayn’s there but so is Perrie and Liam just blinks but he winces when he does,

“Liam.” Zayn says his name like it was water and Zayn had been hiding out in the Sahara for a good period of his life. Liam’s eyes flicker over to Perrie,

“How are you babes?” She asks and Liam never liked her and her willowy blonde hair and her big blue eyes. Liam wonders if this is Zayn’s type, he wonders if boy is even Zayn’s type at all and then Liam wants to hurt himself because he’s in a fucking hospital bed and he’s wondering what’s Zayn’s type.

“I’ll go call the boys.” Perrie says and Zayn leans over and leaving a kiss on her lips,

“Thank you.” He says and she gives him a small smile and Zayn smiles too and Liam’s chest aches and he feels like someone set a ton of bricks there. The smile seemed so fitting and right on Zayn’s lips and Liam thinks maybe his selfishness won’t work this time because Zayn looks so foolishly happy and Liam’s so unrealistically stupid to think that Zayn’s smile directed at him was for keeps.

_To dream of love, and, waking, to remember you._

They say he’s exhausted and he should get some rest. Liam wants to throw something because they speak of him like he isn’t in the room. They speak with “oh poor thing’s” and “he’s so small” and “how is he even making it through” and Liam wants to scream at them to look at him… to see him.

The boys apologize profusely.

Louis looks at him and he runs a small hand through his feathery hair and he says like a very protective father,

“Liam why didn’t you say anything?” But Liam doesn’t understand what the question is because being tired was never a medical condition and he always though he was emotionally tired not physically.

Harry looks like he’s about to cry but he’s trying to hold up a brave face and Liam notes that out of all of them Harry is most like a brother to him because they’re always in arguments but they always come to each other at the end of a particularly rough day and they gravitate like the sun and Earth,

“Li, I’m so sorry.” He says and leaves it up to Harry to apologize for something he could’ve never changed. Liam gives him a small smile,

“Don’t worry about it baby Tarzan I’m fine.” But he isn’t and he doesn’t know what it is yet, and he can’t feel it but there’s this eerie feeling of being in the eye of the hurricane.

Niall eats and sighs at Liam profusely,

“I should’ve known. You looked so tired.” Liam just smile at  him and he shrugs because he doesn’t really understand what to do under this attention because when the people who matter are actually looking at him and seeing him he shuts down and he hates that he does that.

Shuts down when he could possibly feel something amongst the loud numbness.

_Novocain for the pain._

Zayn reads to him. Zayn doesn’t ask him questions, he doesn’t apologize and he doesn’t act guilty. He knows that it all was out of control and when Zayn looks at him with eyes buried with promises that aren’t meant for him Liam wants to twist around and break out of the skin he’s in.

So Zayn reads Richard Siken, Kurt Vonnegut and all these other authors who speak of things that aren’t meant to be spoken about out loud and sometimes when Zayn reads a specially private piece he’ll show Liam and he’ll talk to him about why that’s his favorite.

And Liam’s not used to Zayn being his and all his because Zayn is Perrie’s and he knows it but the need to touch and bury his face deep into Zayn’s chest or body or skin is there again and it makes his skin itch and stretch.

So Liam’s released and the press goes into frenzy and nobody knows what happened and what’s going on. And they all take it one step out of time and passing out from tiredness isn’t as serious as the boys and everyone in their little posse make it seem and by the end of the week Liam wants to scream.

But he swallows it down and he stays silent.

When Zayn kisses him it throws Liam for a complete loop and he goes around in circles and reels around the world and when he lands back on planet Earth and Zayn’s staring at him with those eyes it doesn’t make any sense to him why he would do that.

So Liam voices that.

“I don’t know I honestly don’t.” Zayn says and Liam looks at him,

“Really Zayn, you don’t?” He asks and Zayn shrugs,

“I’m afraid of the answer.”

So they both just stare at each other until Liam says,

“You have a girlfriend.” And Zayn says,

“Which I love.” But there’s something else there like uncertainty and guilt. Liam was never one to push and pull and break something until it was spilling out the answers but he wanted to know what Zayn was saying,

“And?” Liam questions,

“And I don’t think I’m capable to love two people at the same time but I love you guys differently. I think I’ve always loved you more than a lot of things… it’s scary.” Zayn whispers it and all Liam can do is gape and blink because wow that’s unbelievable. This only happens in the movies with some poorly written script and some badly written female character. This doesn’t happen to Liam Payne and he wonders if this counts as stress and he wonders if he could collapse from this.

“Say something Liam… please.” Zayn says and Liam exhales then meets Zayn’s eyes,

“I think I’m in love with you. And, you’re worth the fear and I kind of want to kiss you for a long time.” Liam whispers and this is the most truthful he’s been for a long time. And he feels this breakthrough coming in and seeping into his skin and some ooze out because for fucks sakes he isn’t on autopilot and he’s feeling everything and it scares him but he doesn’t care, not when Zayn’s looking at him like a beautiful dream… _Zayn baby, you’re a star._

So Zayn kisses him again and his mind and heart float right out of his body and make a trip around the world while he floats up, up and away.

So Liam becomes some kind of home wrecker and he really doesn’t want to be okay and maybe he doesn’t like Perrie but he also doesn’t want to hurt her, he just likes to be the one thing Zayn smiles at and touches and Liam pretends that it’s only him and it’s real but there’s something keeping it from being real and the thing is in the form of blonde hair, blue eyes and a beautiful personality.

Zayn lives with Perrie so it’s hard for them to sneak around but when they do Zayn whispers,

“Sorry, sorry, sorry.” As he thrusts into him and Liam lets him take care of him and sometimes he’ll touch Zayn softly and just pretend that he’s fixing those edges and wearing them down to become a perfect fit.

Liam doesn’t know a lot about fixing things and making them work again though but Zayn slots next to him like gears fitting into place and he thinks that maybe when Zayn’s with him that’s when he works well, so he tries to keep him.

So a picture of Liam and Zayn kissing in the park gets leaked and Liam thought that being with Zayn was the whole hurricane after the calm but it really wasn’t, this whole mess is. Liam locks himself in his room in his apartment and the boys knock and they plead but all Liam can think of is Zayn going to Perrie and saying,

“Babe it was a mistake.” And then she’ll have tears running down her pretty face and she’ll ask him all earnest and innocent,

“Really?” Then he’ll kiss the tears away and he’ll say,

“You’re the only one I’ll ever love. I’ll never love anyone more than you, especially not Liam Payne.”

So all of Liam’s insecurities come crashing down like a house of cards and the Queen of Hearts slip over the Jacks and nothing fits and everything shakes and rumbles.

His mom calls and says that the family loves him,

“It’s okay Li.” She says and Liam just listens to her with tears running down his cheeks and he wishes that he had a Zayn to wish away the pain but Perrie does and that hurts more… almost more than the broken heart… almost but not quite.

And the boys call a lot to,

“Liam don’t worry, management has it taken over.” Louis says over the phone,

“I don’t care.” Liam says and that’s when he realizes that being on autopilot is way better than feeling things and wanting because feelings break you but they don’t shape you, not in a positive way at least… not in any way really.

Harry sighs and says,

“Zayn loves you Liam and you know that.”

“I don’t.” He says and Harry sighs again like he’s going to cry.

Niall’s full of guilt and sadness when he says,

“I’m sorry that he broke you Liam, I’m sorry that you’re always hurt.” And Liam accepts his apology like he has something to be forgiven for but Liam thinks about Niall saying I’m sorry he broke you and Liam wants to say that he was never whole to begin with.

_Love… come out wherever you are_

So it’s two weeks after the whole kissing incident and Zayn shows up at his flat and he looks good and well and all Liam can do is stare. He wonders if paparazzi saw him, if this will be on the front page.

“Can I come in?” Zayn asks as if Liam would ever deny Zayn anything. Liam opens up the door and he fidgets and pulls on his pajamas and he wonders what Zayn thinks of him now.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call, I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry that I’ve broken you.” And the “it’s okay” is on the tip of his tongue but it isn’t, not at all because the edges of Liam’s heart have all broke down until the pieces have floated around in different parts of his body and they find arteries but they never find each other and it’s all because of Zayn Malik who’s cheekbones make Liam want to do sinful things.

“Why did you do it then? I just… I waited around for you Zayn and you only notice me when it’s kind of freaking impossible not to.” Liam says and Liam thinks that being brutally honest around Zayn is his specialty.

“I told you I was scared.” Zayn says and Liam shakes his head because he’s tired of feeling like a used rag doll, of being pushed aside and only taken off the shelf when he’s needed. Liam fucking hates Zayn Malik but he loves him so much it hurts.

“There’s a difference between being scared and denying your feelings. What did you tell Perrie, Zayn?” Liam asks and Zayn sighs,

“I broke up with her.” And Liam notes that this is the part of the movie where the female lead will stop talking and the realization will dawn on her and she’ll jump into the male lead’s arms and smile and they’ll live happily ever after but those are movies and this is real life.

“And? So do you think I’m going to jump into your arms and demand we ride off into the sunset, this isn’t some kind of fairytale!” Liam screams and he doesn’t even realize he’s shaking until Zayn puts a hand on his,

“You’re making it more difficult than it has to be.” Zayn says and Liam scoffs,

“I’m actually not. You do know that I’ve waited around for you so long that waiting has become a part of me right? That now that I have you it’s kind of surreal but I don’t have you… not really. You’re just really guilty and you think that breaking up with Perrie and coming here in your tough guy demeanor will change everything when really it doesn’t.” And Liam is so close now and Zayn’s just kind of staring at him with this patient look on his face,

“And I hate you so much. I hate you for doing this to me.” Liam finally says and he watches as Zayn lets out an exhale then he says,

“I’d hate me too.”

“Good because you should!” Liam says and then Zayn kisses him. It isn’t angry and in the heat of the moment, it’s soft and slow and it’s asking. Liam lets him and Liam thinks that he’s weak and Zayn’s stronger than him and maybe he’s the one who needs fixing.

_So see when Liam was little there were these boys who said that Liam was a fag and they hit him, and they kicked him and they spit on him. And Liam laid on the grass of that soccer field for a long time and the blue of the sky turned to pink and his ears were buzzing and when he tried to get up he couldn’t._

_And one day after the incident Liam had wondered what was wrong with him and he had done the process of elimination and he had realized he was that irreparable kind of broken and that his parts didn’t slide against each other well anymore._

_And he never slid well against people either. His relationships didn’t really work and then there was Zayn Malik and he had these eyes and Liam notes that Zayn looks a bit more broken then him and that drew them together._

 

_\-----_

_‘Baby let’s take a ride around town and you’ll tell me all about the bad ideas you had as a child and how much you wish that life was fair and your skin and the skin under it was bare.’_

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah uhm credit to these poets: Richard Siken, Aruthur Symons, Robert Polito, Zachary Schomburg :)


End file.
